SO Season 4 of Made in Chelsea started up again last night and it would appear it’s going to be much of the same from the Chelsea brigade in the new season, except without Caggie – who is notably absent from the opening credits – and Hugo is also missing (perhaps because he went on The Bachelor UK and was part of the episode where Spencer’s friends basically told all the girls that Spencer did it for money and was still with Louise) and they appear to be up a few new cast members in the form of a new tall blonde for Richard to annoy Cheska with and a new threat to Spencer’s relationship with Louise, in the form of the very dashing Andy – who owns a yacht, loike – wouldn’t you know!
IF you have never watched “Made in Chelsea” before now and you are worried you can’t watch the new season – fear not my friends who actually appear to have a life – the new season opens with a montage of ALL the most dramatic and exciting moments of last year which lasts a WHOLE ONE minute and THIRTY seconds, which in itself hints at how utterly compelling this shit is. There is also a voiceover from the unbelievably dull Rosie to tell you what the show is basically about:
“It’s cliquey and like… almost incestuous… But we all… Manage to hang out”, this said in the manner of a girl who has been given a script and had a gun held to her head to make her utter the words – and to be completely honest, there is nothing I would put past the MIC producers, however, I digress!
The show opens and there is some form of a car -which is probably more expensive than my house- speeding round a bend in some country which doesn’t remotely look like England, but the producers don’t give us time to put two and two together, we immediately learn in a subtitled form that it is being filmed in Saint Tropez. Obviously the cast are “Made in Chelsea” but the programme is “Made wherever the fuck we want”, cue obligatory shots of yachts, boats and the general “good life” as it were, and there is Jamie and Francis out ski-ing and declaring their undying love for each other, before getting cocktails on a fancy beach and perving on girls with the most unbelievable bodies I have ever seen – all in a days work, eh lads? Despite my giving out though, they are in fact my two favourite characters on the show. Jamie, the unlucky in love playboy and Francis, the unbelievably successful entrepreneur who is an absolute social retard. Unsurprisingly their first conversation is over Jamie’s recent drought with women and they plan to have a party on someones boat. Yayyyy!
Next up is Louise and Rosie (yawn) with a nice little product placement for Victoria and her “new swimwear collection” to open up the conversation and THEN we get our first glimpse of the Spencer and Louise situation.
Rosie “So when’s Spencer coming?”
Louise “Today… It’s been so long now, I haven’t seen him all Summer… I think we’ve both taken the meaning of ‘break’ quite differently, you know he’s kissed people and stuff, so… blah blah blah”
Yeah, no shit Louise, you haven’t seen him all Summer because he’s been looking for “love” on a National television programme. Presumably Rosie does in fact know that he’s kissed people, because it has been broadcast AND it appears that Miss Khloe-with a k-Evans, the eventual winner of “The Bachelor UK” was indeed duped in her quest for love and well deserved to post on twitter that it was all a sham. See story here:
Of course, I had a nosey and all three finalists from The Bachelor UK had something to say about the situation on twitter as it unfolded in front of them, Chloe Levitt-Collins was firmly in her “new best pals” corner!
Whereas Khloe – with a K – or is it with a C?! MAKE YOUR MIND UP WOMAN! Well, Khloe did not appear to be bitter at all, at all, at all… Oh dear!
Even Spencers MIC co-star Ollie Locke weighed in on things!
And that is probably as much as is going to be said on the whole sordid situation! Not even Gavin Henson managed to balls the first series up this much!
So of course Rosie gets on her typical high horse and has a bit of advice for Louise “Yeah, you know you don’t want to seem… so available” so basically, don’t drop your knickers for him as soon as he gets here, cos we all know that’s what you’re good at! Louise insists “No, no, NO I am not putty in his hands. He can’t pick me up and drop me when he wants”. But it appears that he can, because despite a steely reception from Louise initially, Spencer takes her to a bedroom asks her to stay the night, tells her he loves her that charming bastard also appears to have convinced her that the only reason he was kissing other girls was because he missed kissing her, and of course Louise is under the covers before he’s finished his little speech and order is restored in the MIC world! Huzaaah!
The outsider clique of Ollie, Binky and Cheska are left behind (again) in Chelsea and there’s a whole lot of Ollie being lonely and Cheska and Binky supporting him and Richard trying to set him up – oh and he gets a haircut, nothing particularly interesting to see here folks, lets move along, back to Saint Tropez with us!
Rosie and Louise go for brunch, but while Rosie’s runs to the bar of course Louise can’t be left alone and Jamie’s friend Andy makes his move “Hi, you’re Louise, I’ve admired you from afar”, etc, etc. of course Louise is putty in any sleazy man’s hands and laps it up before telling him her life story and as he dashes off he shouts something about hoping Spencer dies – or perhaps something less dramatic, I have a tendency to make things up in my mind if I find the reality (or non-reality in this case) is dull!
The rest of the show is boring enough, so I’ll condense it into highlights and lowlights:
1. Spencer tears Andy away from a group of French birds in bikinis for a man-to-man. Here we see Spencer as the eternal protagonist and hear his first soliliquay of the series.
““Mate, if you want to crack on and go head to head on it, you’re going to fucking lose” before storming off in a fog, despite it being shot by a pool. Oh yeah folks, in case you’re wondering, the “it” in question here, is of course Louise!
2. Jamie comparing Spencer to a polar bear, Spencer recoils in horror at the comparison to which Jamie defends it “Polar bears are the most dangerous animal…” Spencer insists that hippos are more dangerous and the two argue over which is more dangerous for a lengthy minute of riveting television, before deciding that the matter at hand is in fact Jamie’s friend “cracking on to my (Spencer’s) bird”. Charmed, I’m sure!
3. When Jamie and Francis arrive home Proudlock unveils a painting for their apartment. It is a genius meche of the three boys faces and the funniest thing I’ve seen on MIC in a LONG time! The painting includes Proudlock’s cross earring, which I want to pull right out of his stupid looking ear… I suppose he couldn’t not get that in, could he! Here we learn there is to be a HOUSE PARTY!
4.Andy arrives at Jamie’s party with ONE bottle of unlabelled rose wine – which compliments his rose pink shirt perfectly – his two friends arrive empty handed… SOMEBODY hold these party animals down… Christ!
5. Spencer’s soliliquay about how much he loves Louise and demanding Andy to “LEAVE THE FOCKING TERRACE BEFORE I GET ANGRY”… swoon! At this point, I start to wonder how Louise has kept her knickers on throughout this heated debate!
1. Spencer pulling up in his ferrari, handing the valet boy his keys, ferrari logo side up
Valet boy “Under what name should I put the car?”
*moment of suspense*
Out he hops and utters THIS: “Matthews… Spencer Matthews”
OMG, I hope the makers of James Bond were watching this interaction, Spencer is a fucking shoe in for the next film – I think not.
2. Any scene with Cheska in it.
3. Ollie announcing he is now straight (again) and wants to cut TEN INCHES off his flowing mane.
4. The COMPLETE lack of Millie and her rude and sarcastic comments. BRING BACK MILLIE!
And as usual we are treated to a preview of what to expect next time on MIC! Here’s a quick round up:
Andy cracks on to Louise (again)
Jamie and his friend form a love triangle over a main female character in the show… (again)
Olly meets a pretty girl and proceeds to act like a thundering fucking eejit (again)
Round-up of common themes in MIC
Use of the word “wah” to give girls a compliment: 5
Use of the word “chicks” : 2
Use of the word “fock or focking” from Spencer having a knicker fit: 56
Amount of times we are reminded that the love triangle spat is taking place on a FOCKING TERRACE: 6 (I wish I was joking)
Amount of times Louise claimed she would play hard to get with Spencer this time: 1
Amount of times Louise played hard to get with Spencer: 0
And there you have it folks, Season Four of MIC looks set to be a good one! Please note, all opinions are my own (Jazz) and although I hate the show, I love it really and while I’m aware of my own contradiction I will not back down on it! Enjoy guys!